Why Am I Like This?

For a while now, I have been struggling with depression, like a lot people. I also have been exhausted my whole life. Recently I learned I may be suffering from one or more sleep disorder causing me to sleep for 12-18hrs a night but wake up as tired as when I went to bed. This has resulted in me living in a constant state of sleep deprivation. 

All through high school and college, I struggled with waking up every morning and dropped several classes just because I couldn’t make the attendee requirements. I thought I was lazy or just not as good as the students who seemed to be fine having class at 9 am. But it didn’t matter if it was a 9 am class or a 3 pm class, I always had trouble because I was always exhausted. Couple that with working on the weekends and trying to maintain relationships, it’s amazing I didn’t fail out immediately. 

I hated myself for being so lazy. For not being able to j=do something as simple as wake up in the morning. I became a pro at staying up all night because it was easier than waking up in the morning. I ended up enjoying the quite of the night, which is why I write best at night now. I can’t express the amount of self-loathing this caused me. People like friends and family would joke about how I slept so much, and I always felt inadequate. 

With the discovery of my lack of REM sleep, and whatever sleep disorder discoveries come from it, it really helped me to think about myself differently. I had been suffering from sleep deprivation for years, and yet I spent the majority of my time in bed asleep. Imagine how that affects a person. I spent my academic career being too tired to do work, and letting it pile up until either I found a bit of energy to complete it, or I was reaching a point where it was about to become a zero. Everything I have done for most of my life has been under the influence of something literally used to torture people with. Every lecture I’ve sat through, every time I’ve driven a car, every exam I’ve ever taken, all of it I less than a full battery for.  

And I got this far.

I’ve made so many accomplishments already in my life with this looking over me. I graduated High School, I went to College, I drove across the country 6 times, Travel the world, I have great friends and a family who loves me, and I have the ability to do so much more. I’ve been like if Supergirl had been wearing a necklace of kryptonite her whole life and only just now discovered it can be taken off. 

I’m trying not to get my hopes up though. Will it be a magic pill that fixes everything? Maybe. Probably not. These kinds of things are usually very complicated. Eventually, though, something will change. I’ll do and feel so much better. I can’t wait, I’m so excited to get what could be a second chance on life.

I’m a powerful lesbian, and now I’m about to finally reach my full potential. 

Who am I kidding, even just operating on the normal level would be great compared to constant zombie fog brain? 


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